7.p.m.: Turning on red-carpet-arrival show just so I can hate on it.
7:04 p.m.: Bashing head on coffee table after four-dozenth repetition of the question “Who are you wearing?”
7:23 p.m.: WORST DRESS SINCE BJORK! WORST DRESS SINCE BJORK!
7:46 p.m.: Debating whether Jennifer Lawrence or Jessica Chastain/Hugh Jackman or Bradley Cooper/Ted or Frankenweenie is hotter, when I should be filling out my ballot.
8 p.m.: Settling in for a long winter’s sit.
8:02 p.m.: Ha ha, we didn’t see McFarlane’s Affleck-was-snubbed joke coming! (/sarcasm)
8:03 p.m.: Not sure what I should read into Affleck’s expression here.
8:05 p.m.: McFarlane just ripped on your favorite celebrity. Comedy genius!
8:06 p.m.: TOMMY LEE JONES GRIM FACE! TOMMY LEE JONES GRIM FACE!
8:07 p.m.: Uh, should I laugh at this uncomfortable “Zero Dark Thirty”/terrorist/torture joke?
8:08 p.m.: Ha ha, we didn’t see that “‘Argo’ (expletive) yourself!” joke coming! (/sarcasm)
8:12 p.m.: Wow, McFarlane’s monologue-ending song-and-dance routine was (insert adjective: lame/funny/surprising/the worst/spongeworthy)!
8:14 p.m.: Is this thing over yet?
8:17 p.m.: Jeez, Joaquin Phoenix. Jeez.
8:28 p.m.: Desperately YouTubing Sally Field’s “You like me! You really like me!” speech, trying too hard to make a joke.
8:32 p.m.: Ha ha, never thought I’d hear the words “Oscar nominee ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’”!
8:38 p.m.: Not sure what I should read into Affleck’s facial expression here either.
8:43 p.m.: “Amour” is a movie that exists?
8:49 p.m.: Where’s Adele, and why hasn’t she sang a song yet?
8:52 p.m.: My ballot is already toast. I “Argo” (expletive, past tense) myself.
8:55 p.m.: Airing this “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” trailer during a commercial break inspires this too-easy ironic Oscar joke!
9:02 p.m.: Beasts of the Southern what now?
9:07 p.m.: That “Les Miserables” clip made me realize Anne Hathaway has the most beautiful uvula in Hollywood.
9:13 p.m.: TED! TED!
9:16 p.m.: Seriously, who gives a rat’s patoot about sound mixing.
9:20 p.m.: What the hell is an auroch?
9:24 p.m.: This is only the 17th montage of the show so far – on pace for a record low!
9:27 p.m.: Thank you for explaining the importance of editing by reading stuff off the teleprompter, (celebrity who obviously doesn’t know what he/she is talking about).
9:38 p.m.: I’m only the 433rd person to re-tweet this comment by the fake Michael Haneke Twitter account!
9:42 p.m: Hooray, Adele (sounds great/looks great/won)!
9:47 p.m.: The (man/woman I don’t recognize) who won the (obscure category) Oscar sure is (insane/funny/charming/blubbering like Anne Hathaway in “Les Miz”)!
9:48 p.m.: Didn’t take long for the (man/woman I don’t recognize) who won the (obscure category) Oscar to become a meme!
9:53 p.m.: Utterly baffled by this performance set piece, which looks like Cirque du Soleil tortured a metaphor then died on stage.
9:59 p.m.: I love you, Quentin Tarantino, but please shut up.
10:04 p.m.: Still not sure what I should read into Affleck’s expression.
10:09 p.m.: Counting how many awards are yet to be given out; realizing this thing isn’t gonna be over by 11.
10:19 p.m.: Wow, I forgot that (celebrity) died last year.
10:28 p.m.: Gosh, we haven’t seen McFarlane for a while.
10:33: How many times did Meryl Streep have to practice saying “Quvenzhane Wallis”?
10:36 p.m.: Don’t even THINK about playing Jennifer Lawrence off, Oscar producer jerks.
10:49 p.m.: Gonna be 11:15 at least before I get to bed. No, 11:20. Make that 11:25.
11:01 p.m.: Pretty obvious show producers are stepping on the gas now.
11:04 p.m.: I can’t feel my legs anymore.
11:08 p.m.: Pretending I’m not repeating the “Wow, Daniel Day-Lewis has a sense of humor!” joke for the eighth time this awards season.
11:12 p.m.: AFFLECK IS SO CLASSY.
11:15 p.m.: FINALLY.
11:16 p.m.: I feel: (disappointed/not surprised in the least/far from elated/meh/indifferent/tired/very tired/very very tired).
11:19 p.m.: That’s it?
11:20 p.m.: That was SO LONG. Kinda mad at myself for watching the whole thing.
11:21 p.m.: See you next year!
